Alone

Stuff happened today. The kind of thing I don’t talk about. I talked to my bff but he was busy with his own stuff and a few of my other good friends have just fallen off the face of the earth. Another friend well I just didn’t feel right complaining I prefer being able to put a smile on his face. I realized I feel completely and utterly alone in this. I don’t like to be a burden or place my trouble on other people and either then my angelic… BFF there is no one I would really feel comfortable spilling the story out too. When everything happened and I walked out of My house and sat under the tree all I could think of was I have no where I could actually go right now. I feel so isolated. I feel so vastly alone. I feel misunderstood, misrepresented, and unheard. I’m spending yet another night crying my eyes out instead of sleeping. This not sleeping, crying my eyes out alone thing just is killing me more then I would ever express to anyone.

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Broken

It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this blog. I recently deleted all my social media as life has just gotten to feel like to much. It’s all just so overwhelming. I haven’t really shared anything really personal on social media in a long time. I don’t want to seem like I’m just trying to get attention. So I deleted it so no one would know my pain. I’d rather drown myself in it then bring anyone else down. I feel like I’ve taken the one last devestating blow and I’m completely crushed and I have nothing left to lift myself out of this despair. Even my breath escapes me. So much has happened and so much has changed. I find myself broken. Shattered. In recent months I have given all I am just to have it all handed back to me. They say when things are going wrong look at the common denominator and so many of my interpersonal relationships are either destroyed or in tatters and I am the common denominator. I must be the problem. Yet I don’t know how to get out of this place. I’m so heart broken, so stuck and I feel like I can’t move on from it all. I can’t walk away from the people who broke my heart because I still love them. The ones I would have given everything too, done anything for and somehow I wasn’t enough. I can’t move forward and I can’t move backwards because it’s taken so much just to get to where I am.

Today… I’m just broken pieces of empty matter. Tonight I lay empty as I cry myself to sleep again. I started this searching for happiness. I’ve reached a place where happiness seems a fairy tale, cynicism fills my veins and love is once again but an elusive illusion. I write so I don’t choke on the bitterness and the words, so the pain that is stuck in my throat won’t explode, I write here so I don’t send an unwanted message to the ones I love and miss. I write to express the emotions that drown me in thier heaviness. I want to scream at you to listen to me. To answer me. To explain why you walked away with out a word. I want you to know how much I miss you and how much it hurts me to lose you. I want to know if you think of me and if you miss me too. I want you to know that you still matter to me. Fuck! Do I ever love you. I guess I always will.

Encouragement Thursday – 04/23/2015

Hello there, I hope you are doing well. I missed you last week. ofcourse it’s Thursday and I’m back. Today is a very special Thursday at our house. It’s a very special little girl’s bday. I’m feeling happy, grateful and at the same time a little sad that my little is already two but so proud to be the mother of such an amazing little lady. My heart is filled with gratitude. There are so many things to be grateful for. My loving always kind and considerate hubby, my two wonderful munchkins, exceptional friends… Yes ofcourse I mean you! You are simply magnificent. Look at you with that heart melting smile and that beautiful heart. I am blessed to have you in my life as my friend. I love you just the way you are. Your self perceived flaws and misconceptions are a mute point. You are wonderful. You make my life better just by being. I’m so honoured to know the incredible essence of beautiful soul that you are. I hope today amidst the hustle and bustle of the day. You stop and take a minute to love yourself. Be kind to yourself. You deserve a treat. Stop and take the time to appreciate those around you. Tell someone that you love them, take the time to show someone that you care. Take a minute and think of all the blessings in your life you are grateful for. It’s a beautiful day. A beautiful life. Love and light, Luna

Encouragement Thursday – 04/09/2015

It’s Thursday! You know what that means. It’s time for some encouragement. today’s message is that you are perfect the way you are for this moment. We spend so much time criticizing ourselves and each other. Looking for things that are wrong with us. We are programmed to recognize the negative and magnify it in our minds and mentally berate and beat the stuffing out of ourselves for not being perfect. We have all the self imposed judgements and labels and self perceived flaws. ENOUGH! It’s time to put the whip away. I challenge you to choose 5 great things about yourself. take a moment, write them down, and be grateful for yourself. Love yourself for the amazing person you are. Do this once a week and instead of focusing on the negative focus on how you have excelled at those 5 things each day. It is time to take a stand against this culture of raw negativity and judgement. I promise that by doing this not only will you reprogram your mind to look for the positive, your circumstances will also change to reflect what you are thinking. As I have said before what you give attention and energy too in your thoughts that is what you will manifest. Are you living in self imposed fear, doubt, anger, bitterness, then that is what you are going to continue to attract into yours life. You are beautiful, you are magnificent, you deserve the best and abundance in each area of your life. You are worthy. You are enough. You are loved. Share that beautiful smile with those around you and extend kindness. After all kindness is just love with its work boots on. I wish you much love and light in your path today. Luna

Affirmative prayer – 04/07/2015

My day is over. As I lay here and hear my loves’ gentle breathing. I take a deep breath and allow the weight of the day to fall away. In this moment right now I recognise that I do not need to carry all the stress and crap of the day with me any longer. In this quiet still moment I choose to be reborn. I know deep in my soul that the universe is all there is. In that expansive thought as I breathe to allow room for it, I also know that I am a part of the divine. As the perfect expression of divine creation, given the blessed gift of being created in the image of the divine source of all, I know this means I am also a creator. I create my life through my thoughts, my intentions, my words, my actions. The universe, the divine, works in me, through me and for me. I know that I am supported in this moment, in this space. Because it is also divine. I choose to release all thinking, or self judgements that are holding me back. Separating me from the divine with in me. In this moment I am reborn as the whole and complete divine being I am meant to be. I step outside of my ego knowing that all separation from the divine is caused by misperceptions of myself. I am perfect in this moment. It is but my own misguided thoughts, words and actions and past belief systems that have stopped me from creating the miracles I desire in my life. When I step outside of my ego and into the source of the divine within me I’m able to see the true beauty of my creation and my ability to create. With a deep breathe as I humbly sit in the knowledge of this, I realize that divine love is my purpose my calling. I wish to share that with everyone I encounter may it be that when they look in my eyes, hear my voice, or read my words may divine love radiate from me to them. May I bring abundance and love and kindness too all I encounter. May I see beauty where others don’t. I’m grateful that I know that once I have decided upon something the universe working thru me, in me and for me, conspires to give it to me. I am grateful that the universe is all there is and I am a part of the divine. As I breathe I am grateful that I am able to create the life I desire and release the blockages, belief systems, programs, illness, disease, misperceptions and self judgment that hold me back. I grateful that I am an instrument of divine love and I can create abundance love, kindness and healing in my life and the lives and hearts of others because I know they are also divinely whole and complete despite of what the may see. Thru the law of faith I declare that it is so.

Songs that empower me… Dum Dum Andar – Ram Sampath, Sona Mohapatra, & Samantha Edwards

Dum Dum Andar – Ram Sampath, Sona Mohapatra & Samantha Edwards

Samantha Edward-

When I am weak,
You give me strength,
You give me hope,
When I am down,
In the face of darkness,
You are my guide,
You are my love,
My love divine.
Help me forgive,
When I am hurt,
Help me believe,
When I am lost,
In times of trouble,
You ease my weary mind,
You are my love,
My love divine.

SONA MOHAPATRA-

DUM DUM ANDAR BOLE YAAR (The breath speaks from inside)
HARDUM ANDAR BOLE YAAR (It always speaks from inside)
YAAR MEIN MAIN BOLOON NA BOLOON (Whether I speak or not)
MERE ANDAR BOLE YAAR…. (My insides are always breathing)
DUM DUM……(Breathe, breathe)

GHAR KE ANDAR BOLE YAAR (It speaks inside my house)
GHAR KE BAHAR DOLE YAAR (And sways outside)
CHHAT KE UPAR NACHE YAAR (It dances on the roof)
MANDIR MASJID BOLE YAAR… (Temples and mosques speak of it)
DUM DUM….. (Breathe, breathe)

HUM NE YAAR DI NAUKARI KAR LI (I did my friends work)
KAR LI PYAR DI NAUKRI KAR LI (I fell in love)
USKE DWAR PE JA BAITHE HAIN (Now I sit at his door)
WO KHOLE NA KHOLE DWAR… (Whether he opens it or not)
DUM DUM…… (Breathe, breathe)

LAU LAGI AAISI LAU LAGI (The fire blazes, it blazes such)
FIRTI HOON MAIN BHAGI BHAGI (I roam around running)
MAIN TULNE KO RAZI RAZI (I’m willing to be compared)
KOI TARAZU TOLE YAAR.. (Someone must be willing to weigh me in the balance / if someone is willing to weigh me up)
DUM DUM… (Breathe, breathe)

Letter to Nev and Max from the show catfish.

So I wrote this letter awhile ago and decided to share it, don’t know why just felt I should…

Dear Nev and Max,

Ever since our cable suddenly decided to go on the fritz 3 nights ago we have embarked on a delightful journey with you down memory lane through your show Catfish. With our cable down my boyfriend and I ended up tossing ideas at each other about what to watch online. He wanted a movie, I wanted a show. We discussed netflix and from earlier cableless times had exhausted the repertoire of UK Favorites, Dr. Who, Torchwood, and Mrs. Brown’s Boys. Months earlier we had watched the Movie Catfish, and in one of those exquisite moments of absolute clarity and sheer genius I said “We should watch the show catfish”. I kid you not in 3 days we are 9 episodes into the second season. Tonight lying here sleepless with our fussy 9 month old I felt compelled to write you an email with our online love story. I imagine you must recieve 100s if not thousands of stories but I hope ours puts a smile on your romantic faces well at least Nev’s.

My boyfriend Graeme and I met online at the tailend of 2010 it was a difficult time for me as I was in a mentally and at times physically abusive relationship and had just admitted to myself despite the stigma from childhood belief systems that I was suffering from depression. Seeking out friendship, understanding, spiritual awareness and myself I joined a paranormal website. I met many friendly and kind people who listened and cared, Graeme among them. We did not immediately fall in love but we were friends, thru out the course of the next 2 years I went thru a break up, therapy, a short lived frightening relationship, getting back with my abusive ex, and finally super severe depression to the point where I could no longer even work. Spring 2012 I had been forced to delete my fb, quit visiting the paranormal site and had pushed away my family and friends. The situation in my relationship was just a giant downward spiral. The more depressed I became the worse the relationship and vice versa. I always longed and hoped for someone who would love me and care for me for who I was, who made me feel like the only girl in the world, and would treat me with the love and respect I desired even tho I never truly believe I deserved it. I truly never thought I would find it in this life. It was during this time of turmoil right before my stint of unemployment began that one day rather randomly someone added me on blackberry messenger. You have to understand I was very afraid. My blackberry was hacked by my ex as well as my laptop. He had key loggers on everything. Copies of my conversations with friends and family. I was not allowed to have male friends on fb or anywhere else. Even tho we had only been intimate a few times over a period of 2 or 3 years I had never cheated on my then bf but he was irrationally jealous. By this time even tho I was afraid I was praying for a way out of this toxic relationship and also feeling very alone. Warily I asked who they were and where they had gotten my pin. Graeme then told me, it was him and he had gotten my pin from a mutual friend of ours. I was delighted. Graeme and I had always had enjoyable fun conversations. We started talking to each other on bbm as much as possible. He was kind, understanding, and over a short amount of time our conversations suddenly became more and more intimate. It wasnt very long till I realized I was head over heels in love with this gorgeous redhead from scotland. We became inseparable if he was awake we were texting if I was away from home or somewhere private we were texting the seven hour time difference made it a bit easier to hide. Due to my depression I had to quit my job. Our relationship was suddenly not as easy to hide and I think at that point I just stopped caring. One day my ex confronted me about it ofcourse he had copies of our bbm messages and I admitted everything. I was relieved in more ways than one, the hellish relationship ended and I was free to love graeme. This happened in may of 2012. As time went by we became closer and closer he knew things about me no one else did and he shared with me as well. Life was hectic and rough as they tend to be at the dissolution of a relationship. 6 years of stuff to be split apart, moving into separate places, trying to explain everything to my 7 yr old without making my ex the bad guy. Graeme was there. He was kind, gentle, patient, everything I had ever wished for. If only we hadnt been so far apart. We talked about a life together, of family, of our desires for the future. One day in july my sister sent me a tweet that said flights from Edinburgh to Calgary, Alberta, Canada, were on sale. I dared to hope an emailed him the link. By this time we were not only texting all day but skyping and picture msging as well. We talked about him coming to visit to meet me. We were excited and apprehensive. Then he just did it he bought the round trip flight with the plan to stay until october. On July 25th 2012 the very best day of my life I met the man of my dreams. He arrived here and was heckled by immigration after his 13hr flight he was to exhausted to be nervous. We had dinner with my sister, and her hubby. I kissed him on her couch when no one was looking. It felt so right. We finally got home and we havent looked back since. We surprisingly ended up pregnant and now have a 9 month old who is the cutest baby ever. He has seen me at my worst, my craziest, my sickest, my lowest and he still thinks, I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I love him more every day for his kindness, gentleness, patience and his moral integrity. I have been blessed beyond belief with love I never truly believed could exist, but it does. He is the man of my dreams, the great love of my life. All of this thanks to the internet. Gratefully not everyone lies there are some fairytale endings as well.

Thank you for your time, for reading this story, for giving us the chance to relive our moment with each story you tell. We wish you much love, blessings, success and most of all true happiness.