Broken

It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this blog. I recently deleted all my social media as life has just gotten to feel like to much. It’s all just so overwhelming. I haven’t really shared anything really personal on social media in a long time. I don’t want to seem like I’m just trying to get attention. So I deleted it so no one would know my pain. I’d rather drown myself in it then bring anyone else down. I feel like I’ve taken the one last devestating blow and I’m completely crushed and I have nothing left to lift myself out of this despair. Even my breath escapes me. So much has happened and so much has changed. I find myself broken. Shattered. In recent months I have given all I am just to have it all handed back to me. They say when things are going wrong look at the common denominator and so many of my interpersonal relationships are either destroyed or in tatters and I am the common denominator. I must be the problem. Yet I don’t know how to get out of this place. I’m so heart broken, so stuck and I feel like I can’t move on from it all. I can’t walk away from the people who broke my heart because I still love them. The ones I would have given everything too, done anything for and somehow I wasn’t enough. I can’t move forward and I can’t move backwards because it’s taken so much just to get to where I am.

Today… I’m just broken pieces of empty matter. Tonight I lay empty as I cry myself to sleep again. I started this searching for happiness. I’ve reached a place where happiness seems a fairy tale, cynicism fills my veins and love is once again but an elusive illusion. I write so I don’t choke on the bitterness and the words, so the pain that is stuck in my throat won’t explode, I write here so I don’t send an unwanted message to the ones I love and miss. I write to express the emotions that drown me in thier heaviness. I want to scream at you to listen to me. To answer me. To explain why you walked away with out a word. I want you to know how much I miss you and how much it hurts me to lose you. I want to know if you think of me and if you miss me too. I want you to know that you still matter to me. Fuck! Do I ever love you. I guess I always will.

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Encouragement Thursday – 04/23/2015

Hello there, I hope you are doing well. I missed you last week. ofcourse it’s Thursday and I’m back. Today is a very special Thursday at our house. It’s a very special little girl’s bday. I’m feeling happy, grateful and at the same time a little sad that my little is already two but so proud to be the mother of such an amazing little lady. My heart is filled with gratitude. There are so many things to be grateful for. My loving always kind and considerate hubby, my two wonderful munchkins, exceptional friends… Yes ofcourse I mean you! You are simply magnificent. Look at you with that heart melting smile and that beautiful heart. I am blessed to have you in my life as my friend. I love you just the way you are. Your self perceived flaws and misconceptions are a mute point. You are wonderful. You make my life better just by being. I’m so honoured to know the incredible essence of beautiful soul that you are. I hope today amidst the hustle and bustle of the day. You stop and take a minute to love yourself. Be kind to yourself. You deserve a treat. Stop and take the time to appreciate those around you. Tell someone that you love them, take the time to show someone that you care. Take a minute and think of all the blessings in your life you are grateful for. It’s a beautiful day. A beautiful life. Love and light, Luna

Encouragement Thursday – 04/09/2015

It’s Thursday! You know what that means. It’s time for some encouragement. today’s message is that you are perfect the way you are for this moment. We spend so much time criticizing ourselves and each other. Looking for things that are wrong with us. We are programmed to recognize the negative and magnify it in our minds and mentally berate and beat the stuffing out of ourselves for not being perfect. We have all the self imposed judgements and labels and self perceived flaws. ENOUGH! It’s time to put the whip away. I challenge you to choose 5 great things about yourself. take a moment, write them down, and be grateful for yourself. Love yourself for the amazing person you are. Do this once a week and instead of focusing on the negative focus on how you have excelled at those 5 things each day. It is time to take a stand against this culture of raw negativity and judgement. I promise that by doing this not only will you reprogram your mind to look for the positive, your circumstances will also change to reflect what you are thinking. As I have said before what you give attention and energy too in your thoughts that is what you will manifest. Are you living in self imposed fear, doubt, anger, bitterness, then that is what you are going to continue to attract into yours life. You are beautiful, you are magnificent, you deserve the best and abundance in each area of your life. You are worthy. You are enough. You are loved. Share that beautiful smile with those around you and extend kindness. After all kindness is just love with its work boots on. I wish you much love and light in your path today. Luna

Affirmative prayer – 04/07/2015

My day is over. As I lay here and hear my loves’ gentle breathing. I take a deep breath and allow the weight of the day to fall away. In this moment right now I recognise that I do not need to carry all the stress and crap of the day with me any longer. In this quiet still moment I choose to be reborn. I know deep in my soul that the universe is all there is. In that expansive thought as I breathe to allow room for it, I also know that I am a part of the divine. As the perfect expression of divine creation, given the blessed gift of being created in the image of the divine source of all, I know this means I am also a creator. I create my life through my thoughts, my intentions, my words, my actions. The universe, the divine, works in me, through me and for me. I know that I am supported in this moment, in this space. Because it is also divine. I choose to release all thinking, or self judgements that are holding me back. Separating me from the divine with in me. In this moment I am reborn as the whole and complete divine being I am meant to be. I step outside of my ego knowing that all separation from the divine is caused by misperceptions of myself. I am perfect in this moment. It is but my own misguided thoughts, words and actions and past belief systems that have stopped me from creating the miracles I desire in my life. When I step outside of my ego and into the source of the divine within me I’m able to see the true beauty of my creation and my ability to create. With a deep breathe as I humbly sit in the knowledge of this, I realize that divine love is my purpose my calling. I wish to share that with everyone I encounter may it be that when they look in my eyes, hear my voice, or read my words may divine love radiate from me to them. May I bring abundance and love and kindness too all I encounter. May I see beauty where others don’t. I’m grateful that I know that once I have decided upon something the universe working thru me, in me and for me, conspires to give it to me. I am grateful that the universe is all there is and I am a part of the divine. As I breathe I am grateful that I am able to create the life I desire and release the blockages, belief systems, programs, illness, disease, misperceptions and self judgment that hold me back. I grateful that I am an instrument of divine love and I can create abundance love, kindness and healing in my life and the lives and hearts of others because I know they are also divinely whole and complete despite of what the may see. Thru the law of faith I declare that it is so.

Songs that empower me… Dum Dum Andar – Ram Sampath, Sona Mohapatra, & Samantha Edwards

Dum Dum Andar – Ram Sampath, Sona Mohapatra & Samantha Edwards

Samantha Edward-

When I am weak,
You give me strength,
You give me hope,
When I am down,
In the face of darkness,
You are my guide,
You are my love,
My love divine.
Help me forgive,
When I am hurt,
Help me believe,
When I am lost,
In times of trouble,
You ease my weary mind,
You are my love,
My love divine.

SONA MOHAPATRA-

DUM DUM ANDAR BOLE YAAR (The breath speaks from inside)
HARDUM ANDAR BOLE YAAR (It always speaks from inside)
YAAR MEIN MAIN BOLOON NA BOLOON (Whether I speak or not)
MERE ANDAR BOLE YAAR…. (My insides are always breathing)
DUM DUM……(Breathe, breathe)

GHAR KE ANDAR BOLE YAAR (It speaks inside my house)
GHAR KE BAHAR DOLE YAAR (And sways outside)
CHHAT KE UPAR NACHE YAAR (It dances on the roof)
MANDIR MASJID BOLE YAAR… (Temples and mosques speak of it)
DUM DUM….. (Breathe, breathe)

HUM NE YAAR DI NAUKARI KAR LI (I did my friends work)
KAR LI PYAR DI NAUKRI KAR LI (I fell in love)
USKE DWAR PE JA BAITHE HAIN (Now I sit at his door)
WO KHOLE NA KHOLE DWAR… (Whether he opens it or not)
DUM DUM…… (Breathe, breathe)

LAU LAGI AAISI LAU LAGI (The fire blazes, it blazes such)
FIRTI HOON MAIN BHAGI BHAGI (I roam around running)
MAIN TULNE KO RAZI RAZI (I’m willing to be compared)
KOI TARAZU TOLE YAAR.. (Someone must be willing to weigh me in the balance / if someone is willing to weigh me up)
DUM DUM… (Breathe, breathe)

Letter to Nev and Max from the show catfish.

So I wrote this letter awhile ago and decided to share it, don’t know why just felt I should…

Dear Nev and Max,

Ever since our cable suddenly decided to go on the fritz 3 nights ago we have embarked on a delightful journey with you down memory lane through your show Catfish. With our cable down my boyfriend and I ended up tossing ideas at each other about what to watch online. He wanted a movie, I wanted a show. We discussed netflix and from earlier cableless times had exhausted the repertoire of UK Favorites, Dr. Who, Torchwood, and Mrs. Brown’s Boys. Months earlier we had watched the Movie Catfish, and in one of those exquisite moments of absolute clarity and sheer genius I said “We should watch the show catfish”. I kid you not in 3 days we are 9 episodes into the second season. Tonight lying here sleepless with our fussy 9 month old I felt compelled to write you an email with our online love story. I imagine you must recieve 100s if not thousands of stories but I hope ours puts a smile on your romantic faces well at least Nev’s.

My boyfriend Graeme and I met online at the tailend of 2010 it was a difficult time for me as I was in a mentally and at times physically abusive relationship and had just admitted to myself despite the stigma from childhood belief systems that I was suffering from depression. Seeking out friendship, understanding, spiritual awareness and myself I joined a paranormal website. I met many friendly and kind people who listened and cared, Graeme among them. We did not immediately fall in love but we were friends, thru out the course of the next 2 years I went thru a break up, therapy, a short lived frightening relationship, getting back with my abusive ex, and finally super severe depression to the point where I could no longer even work. Spring 2012 I had been forced to delete my fb, quit visiting the paranormal site and had pushed away my family and friends. The situation in my relationship was just a giant downward spiral. The more depressed I became the worse the relationship and vice versa. I always longed and hoped for someone who would love me and care for me for who I was, who made me feel like the only girl in the world, and would treat me with the love and respect I desired even tho I never truly believe I deserved it. I truly never thought I would find it in this life. It was during this time of turmoil right before my stint of unemployment began that one day rather randomly someone added me on blackberry messenger. You have to understand I was very afraid. My blackberry was hacked by my ex as well as my laptop. He had key loggers on everything. Copies of my conversations with friends and family. I was not allowed to have male friends on fb or anywhere else. Even tho we had only been intimate a few times over a period of 2 or 3 years I had never cheated on my then bf but he was irrationally jealous. By this time even tho I was afraid I was praying for a way out of this toxic relationship and also feeling very alone. Warily I asked who they were and where they had gotten my pin. Graeme then told me, it was him and he had gotten my pin from a mutual friend of ours. I was delighted. Graeme and I had always had enjoyable fun conversations. We started talking to each other on bbm as much as possible. He was kind, understanding, and over a short amount of time our conversations suddenly became more and more intimate. It wasnt very long till I realized I was head over heels in love with this gorgeous redhead from scotland. We became inseparable if he was awake we were texting if I was away from home or somewhere private we were texting the seven hour time difference made it a bit easier to hide. Due to my depression I had to quit my job. Our relationship was suddenly not as easy to hide and I think at that point I just stopped caring. One day my ex confronted me about it ofcourse he had copies of our bbm messages and I admitted everything. I was relieved in more ways than one, the hellish relationship ended and I was free to love graeme. This happened in may of 2012. As time went by we became closer and closer he knew things about me no one else did and he shared with me as well. Life was hectic and rough as they tend to be at the dissolution of a relationship. 6 years of stuff to be split apart, moving into separate places, trying to explain everything to my 7 yr old without making my ex the bad guy. Graeme was there. He was kind, gentle, patient, everything I had ever wished for. If only we hadnt been so far apart. We talked about a life together, of family, of our desires for the future. One day in july my sister sent me a tweet that said flights from Edinburgh to Calgary, Alberta, Canada, were on sale. I dared to hope an emailed him the link. By this time we were not only texting all day but skyping and picture msging as well. We talked about him coming to visit to meet me. We were excited and apprehensive. Then he just did it he bought the round trip flight with the plan to stay until october. On July 25th 2012 the very best day of my life I met the man of my dreams. He arrived here and was heckled by immigration after his 13hr flight he was to exhausted to be nervous. We had dinner with my sister, and her hubby. I kissed him on her couch when no one was looking. It felt so right. We finally got home and we havent looked back since. We surprisingly ended up pregnant and now have a 9 month old who is the cutest baby ever. He has seen me at my worst, my craziest, my sickest, my lowest and he still thinks, I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I love him more every day for his kindness, gentleness, patience and his moral integrity. I have been blessed beyond belief with love I never truly believed could exist, but it does. He is the man of my dreams, the great love of my life. All of this thanks to the internet. Gratefully not everyone lies there are some fairytale endings as well.

Thank you for your time, for reading this story, for giving us the chance to relive our moment with each story you tell. We wish you much love, blessings, success and most of all true happiness.

Moon of affirmation – 11/2014

So I have been attending this shamanic moonlodge for woman that is teaching about the 13 moons of life and how we cycle thru them we are currently working on the 2nd moon which is the moon of affirmation. Technically at two according to shamanic belief we learn how to make decisions we start to say yes or no and vocalize our desires. Our homework from the wheelkeeper we are workin with was to exercise our voice and say yes or no when we wanted to and were afraid to do so. I have been wondering what I was going to say regarding my second moon home work. I felt like I had all these different pieces but was missing something to tie them together into a cohesive picture and then I had this dream. I will tell the dream and then explain all the different pieces. In my dream I start off a teenager. I lived away from my parents but had come home. My sister lived with them. I came home and things were the same but different. I was the one who was different, my attitude was different, my clothes was different, I know I mentioned the last time my family is super religious, Pentecostal to the point of fanaticism. My parents in my dream balk at the changes in me. They tell me in possessed by a demon that’s what is wrong with me. At this point I am now a bit older like 22 and I felt fear at what they said clutch at my heart. A part of me believed what they said. Then I opened my mouth and my voice came out loud and clear. I said no, no I am not but I am different. I have lived and become my own woman. I have taken risks experienced a lot and have finally come to realize who I am. When I said that I was the age I am now 29. But there was still this irrational fear that they were right. Maybe this wasn’t me. Maybe I was possessed and at that moment I turned to my husband who is a super strong medium and had suddenly appeared next to me and I said I’m not right? He smiled and said no beautiful girl u are finally yourself. With that I turned at my dream parents and said this is who I am and I’m proud. for years I have worried about pleasing u. I have been plagued by guilt because I wasn’t what u wanted. I never fit in your picture of me, I have bent over backwards trying to contort my soul into the mold u tried to put me in but I always leaked thru and I thought there was something wrong with me but now I realize there is nothing wrong with me it was the mold I was trying to fit into that wasn’t right. That doesn’t mean I am possessed by a demon, it just means I finally found who I am. Being raised in the strict religious environment we were raised in never allowed me to learn how to make a choice. There were lots of rules and regulations that were rigid and unforgiving and breaking them meant burning in hell fire. I was always concerned with trying to fit into the mold ppl had for me parents teacher pastor. I always tried to be extra good thinking see how good I am maybe now u will be proud of me, maybe I can go to heaven but I always leaked thru. I would somehow get in trouble usually for having a crush on a boy, I realize now the goddess of love is my goddess type. My parents have told me that when I was 2 yrs old I had been possessed by a demon and my dad exorcized it from me, I have seen some freaky shit in my day and I have seen my dad exorcize demons so I’m not sure what to believe about this but it has always been a great source of fear for me. I cannot watch movies read books or anything on demon possession. I have always had a reoccurring dream that would have started the way this dream did with my parents telling me I had a demon and then praying it out of me. I would wake up afraid but I knew in my subconscious that it had to do with never having my parents approval and continually wAnting it, so the way this dream ended was a huge psychological and spiritual step for me. When I became pregnant with my now 9 yr old I was married to a man who was a drug addict and a pedo and I didn’t know. he got me pregnant despite my wishes, we would have cat fights about it where I would shout at him at the top of my lungs I didn’t want a child I would keep taking my birth control. I didn’t love him in fact I hated him and married him out of pride when he asked me to marry him in front of my parents. he would tell ppl we wanted a baby and I would go along with him in public but at home I would say let’s wait maybe in two years, in mind I would be thinking if we are still together then we can have a baby. one day he came home and found my hidden birth control and punched a whole in the wall next to my face and I thought shit I don’t want to get beat up over this. so I stopped taking my pills and ended up pregnant and right away he started doing drugs, he would leave at 7 am come home at 4 am, he wasn’t a wonderful person sober but when he would come home high he was abhorrent, he would force me over a chair and rape me I was 3 months pregnant, he would show me pictures of the sunshine girls and tell me how much hotter and beautiful and why he would fuck them over me, he brought the girl he was cheating on me with to my house and paraded her in front of me, he would steal my cheqs and leave me with no money for food or rent, he stole my self confidence and began the theft of my voice, all I had was a ginormous jar of pickles my mom bought me and tea, I wasn’t sure he was getting high but I knew in my gut he was and when I found out for sure I finally asked my parents for help and left him. they sent me away to have my daughter because I was so afraid of my ex husband. after my daughter was born my parents brought me home and I tried even harder to fit in thier mold I felt like I owed it to them. I was being a good little Christian. I had been trying to be one since they sent me to stay with friends of theirs. The wife of the family I stayed with I thought had become a friend, a confidant she made me feel like I could be a good Christian and fit the mold. she was to me either than my mother and father the only other good example of a goodchristian, cuZ most of the ones I met I could see thier hypocrisy, little did I know how wrong I was. one day my mom told me that this woman has told my aunt that the whole time I was pregnant I had been doing drugs because I wouldn’t sleep at night . The truth is that I was so afraid and traumatized by me ex I couldn’t sleep at night I was too afraid I would stay up listen to music and pray and watch till the clock hit 6 am and would sleep during the day she told my aunt I was possessed by a demon. That was when I said fuck it, fuck Christianity I have tried so hard and I get this. I graduated from that to another different mold, up until I met my husband I was in a 6 year abusive relationship with a man. A man who took my voice and my choices from me. He would call me names, accuse me of cheating, find things to criticize me for, nothing I ever did was good enough, tell me I was a bad mother, impose curfews, not allow me to have friends or go out without him and if I did I had to answer his call or text right away, and try to convince me my family was out to get me and I had to look a certain way, dress a certain way, for example he said only sluts wore dangly or hoop earrings and the bigger the hoop or earring the bigger the slut. For years I did as he said even after we broke up I kept believing some of those things. Recently I went out and bought huge hoop earrings just cuZ I liked them, I have realized it doesn’t matter if white makes me look fat I can wear it if I want too. I’m trying to step outta my comfort zone and make new friends because not everyone is out to get you and I have no friends because of him. In my relationship with my husband now I have healed to the point that I can now speak. I can get angry at him with out being afraid. I can be grumpy sad irrational without fear. He allows me to be me and loves every facet of me. He encourages me to make decisions every day. And I’m slowly but surely getting used to it and speaking up. I see my two year old as a very frightened lil girl sobbing and cowering in a corner with fear and I have called to her embraced her and told her no she is not possessed by a demon she is free to be herself there are no molds she needs to fit into, I have embraced her with loving healing energy until she has felt safe and i slowly but surely believe we are blossoming into something beautiful. Inever said all of this so u would look at me and feel bad for me or think poor thing but so that u could understand my victory with this dream and rejoice and celebrate with me the beauty and wonder in my healing journey to where I am now. .